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| QUARANTINE Isolating myself in Depression |
My apologies are due to those who follow my writings. It has been six months since my last essay, and that
is far too long for you, and for me.
There are several factors contributing to my dry spell. The most important one is lack of time to write. I
had thought with no outside job I would have more time. However, being a full-time daddy is just as it implies,
FULL-TIME. Now that Ally has been with us over a year and Alex visits more often, I can say I am the busiest
guy around. When one is a full-time parent, one is always on-call and has to be willing to change plans on a
moments notice. Whether it be for bringing a forgotten notebook to school, taking them to music lessons,
playing a board game, or just listening to my kids' problems, there is very little time left for the outside things I
might wish to do. And that is fine with me.
I am not one to brag too much, but I am about to. There has been a definite positive to all of this, besides
the obvious. Ally's GPA is up to 3.75 and she is back on the honor roll. Last week was her 16th birthday, and
she says it was her best ever.
Alex does not live with us, but he is only a mile away. Over the last year his stomach problems have gotten
worse. Numerous times we were called to pick him up as he was throwing up at school. I took him to see my
gastroenterologist. The unspoken words were amplified by the look in the doctor's eyes. He knows what we
are all worried about-me passing Crohn's to my son. I am happy to report that with ulcer medicines and a
Crohn's friendly diet, Alex has only gotten sick twice in the last four months. Of course, he is still yet to bring
home less than an “A” and is the sweetest kid around.
But there is one other large factor for my lack of writings, one I am ashamed to admit. I have had a severe
bout with clinical depression. What made it worse was realizing that there was nothing for me to really be
depressed about. I finally have the life I dreamed of, so what is the deal? That is part of being bi-polar. One
has to accept that the severe funks will come out of no where and simply refuse to go away. I have started
seeing a therapist and tomorrow I see a local psychiatrist. Apparently every few years one's anti-depressants
have to be tweaked. I was quite content to be taking Trazodone, but it seems something a bit more powerful
is in order now. We shall see.
Perhaps the daily pain is finally getting to me, or the awful fatigue I feel after my weekly methotrexate
shots. I am and always have been a driven person. Sitting on my rear and doing nothing has never been an
appealing life to me. So when the day comes every week when I am too tired to make dinner, well, that is very
hard for me to accept.
This is the biggest reason for my lack of writings. The truth is very few people enjoy reading the whiny
rants of another. Over the last six months I have found that one's true friends NEVER tire of the whining.
They simply listen and let me go on until I am done. The false friends have revealed themselves; the ones
who do not return phone calls or don't answer the phone any more.
Rather than dump my depression on you or more of my friends, I have quarantined myself from the world.
Rater than bring any more of my true friends down with the stupid belly-aching, I have isolated myself from
them. I apologize for cutting off communication with some of you. But I would rather not gamble any more of
the friendships I have. So rather than risk you also not answering the phone, I stopped calling. No sense
spreading the infection to you.
To be fair, I have started to climb out of this abyss. Mostly because I have an incredible support system
here at home. Jamie, bless her heart, has never stopped listening. No matter how late it gets or how much I
go on about the same crap, she never stops listening.
The biggest reason I have begun the long journey back is realizing that even though I have many bad
things in my life, I am a very lucky man with a wealth many will never know. It is great to be alive, and in the
HOME I am in. This awakening happened at about 3:00 am on Father's Day. Ally is NOT a huggie-emotional
type person. Yet that morning I walked into the kitchen to find balloons and a banner taped to the ceiling
wishing me a happy Father's Day. Hanging from our light fixture was a card she had made herself. This card
now sits in front of all of my trophies in the trophy case. When I need reassurance that I have done well with
my life, I take it out and read it.
I will conclude this writing with the text of that card, in Ally's words:
You know I am not very good at this type of stuff's, but we'll see how it goes...
You always say how much I mean to you—I'm your 'miracle child'. thinking about it,
I know that this is true...
You've ALWAYS supported me, even if it was a bad decision...you were simply guiding me.
Most parents would not put up with the hours I watched Barney..
(Barney stickers)
or the numerous occasions where I would act like a total retard...
(monkey stickers)
God knows you've given me more opportunities to experience life and just being a kid.
Just the little things my mom wouldn't let me do.
From having pets..
(cat and dog stickers)
To riding horses at Karen's
(horse stickers)
You haven't always been there for me, but it's not you're fault.
Besides, you are here for me now, and I can't ask for more.
Always encouraging me to do better, and never give up.
There were times I thought I should give up the cello, but you talked me out of it.
(cello and music stickers)
After 12 years we're finally together again...and I have a home again.
We have a weird, yet loving family, and we've raised some great cats!
(more cat stickers)
I regret not calling you more often when I lived with my mom.
But hopefully I am making up for it now.
You have given me so many precious memories I will remember even when you are gone...
(“Goofy Movie” stickers)
Now remember...
I LOVE YOU!
Your Ally Kat
Depression has no chance against something like that!
Be well,
Sponge
07/18/2008
is far too long for you, and for me.
There are several factors contributing to my dry spell. The most important one is lack of time to write. I
had thought with no outside job I would have more time. However, being a full-time daddy is just as it implies,
FULL-TIME. Now that Ally has been with us over a year and Alex visits more often, I can say I am the busiest
guy around. When one is a full-time parent, one is always on-call and has to be willing to change plans on a
moments notice. Whether it be for bringing a forgotten notebook to school, taking them to music lessons,
playing a board game, or just listening to my kids' problems, there is very little time left for the outside things I
might wish to do. And that is fine with me.
I am not one to brag too much, but I am about to. There has been a definite positive to all of this, besides
the obvious. Ally's GPA is up to 3.75 and she is back on the honor roll. Last week was her 16th birthday, and
she says it was her best ever.
Alex does not live with us, but he is only a mile away. Over the last year his stomach problems have gotten
worse. Numerous times we were called to pick him up as he was throwing up at school. I took him to see my
gastroenterologist. The unspoken words were amplified by the look in the doctor's eyes. He knows what we
are all worried about-me passing Crohn's to my son. I am happy to report that with ulcer medicines and a
Crohn's friendly diet, Alex has only gotten sick twice in the last four months. Of course, he is still yet to bring
home less than an “A” and is the sweetest kid around.
But there is one other large factor for my lack of writings, one I am ashamed to admit. I have had a severe
bout with clinical depression. What made it worse was realizing that there was nothing for me to really be
depressed about. I finally have the life I dreamed of, so what is the deal? That is part of being bi-polar. One
has to accept that the severe funks will come out of no where and simply refuse to go away. I have started
seeing a therapist and tomorrow I see a local psychiatrist. Apparently every few years one's anti-depressants
have to be tweaked. I was quite content to be taking Trazodone, but it seems something a bit more powerful
is in order now. We shall see.
Perhaps the daily pain is finally getting to me, or the awful fatigue I feel after my weekly methotrexate
shots. I am and always have been a driven person. Sitting on my rear and doing nothing has never been an
appealing life to me. So when the day comes every week when I am too tired to make dinner, well, that is very
hard for me to accept.
This is the biggest reason for my lack of writings. The truth is very few people enjoy reading the whiny
rants of another. Over the last six months I have found that one's true friends NEVER tire of the whining.
They simply listen and let me go on until I am done. The false friends have revealed themselves; the ones
who do not return phone calls or don't answer the phone any more.
Rather than dump my depression on you or more of my friends, I have quarantined myself from the world.
Rater than bring any more of my true friends down with the stupid belly-aching, I have isolated myself from
them. I apologize for cutting off communication with some of you. But I would rather not gamble any more of
the friendships I have. So rather than risk you also not answering the phone, I stopped calling. No sense
spreading the infection to you.
To be fair, I have started to climb out of this abyss. Mostly because I have an incredible support system
here at home. Jamie, bless her heart, has never stopped listening. No matter how late it gets or how much I
go on about the same crap, she never stops listening.
The biggest reason I have begun the long journey back is realizing that even though I have many bad
things in my life, I am a very lucky man with a wealth many will never know. It is great to be alive, and in the
HOME I am in. This awakening happened at about 3:00 am on Father's Day. Ally is NOT a huggie-emotional
type person. Yet that morning I walked into the kitchen to find balloons and a banner taped to the ceiling
wishing me a happy Father's Day. Hanging from our light fixture was a card she had made herself. This card
now sits in front of all of my trophies in the trophy case. When I need reassurance that I have done well with
my life, I take it out and read it.
I will conclude this writing with the text of that card, in Ally's words:
You know I am not very good at this type of stuff's, but we'll see how it goes...
You always say how much I mean to you—I'm your 'miracle child'. thinking about it,
I know that this is true...
You've ALWAYS supported me, even if it was a bad decision...you were simply guiding me.
Most parents would not put up with the hours I watched Barney..
(Barney stickers)
or the numerous occasions where I would act like a total retard...
(monkey stickers)
God knows you've given me more opportunities to experience life and just being a kid.
Just the little things my mom wouldn't let me do.
From having pets..
(cat and dog stickers)
To riding horses at Karen's
(horse stickers)
You haven't always been there for me, but it's not you're fault.
Besides, you are here for me now, and I can't ask for more.
Always encouraging me to do better, and never give up.
There were times I thought I should give up the cello, but you talked me out of it.
(cello and music stickers)
After 12 years we're finally together again...and I have a home again.
We have a weird, yet loving family, and we've raised some great cats!
(more cat stickers)
I regret not calling you more often when I lived with my mom.
But hopefully I am making up for it now.
You have given me so many precious memories I will remember even when you are gone...
(“Goofy Movie” stickers)
Now remember...
I LOVE YOU!
Your Ally Kat
Depression has no chance against something like that!
Be well,
Sponge
07/18/2008