05.20.07
Better me than you….
For two days now I have been frustrated beyond belief. That frustration only serves to make me more irritated with myself, as I teach others about staying positive in bad times.
As I posted the other night we had a stressful evening and Jamie would be ill.
Well, she is in quite a bit of pain now. Yesterday we even went to see our doctor and get her some narcotic pain killers. This might tell you something if you only knew how hard it is to get Jamie to take pain medication. If she is ASKING for Hydrocodone, then the pain must be bad.
Most of the time when i ask her to tell me her pain level on a scale of 1 to 10, I can count on her to subtract 2 from the real number, so that I do not fret or stew.
Yesterday and today she has admitted to level 8 or 9 pain. Even narcotics are not enough.
The source of my frustration is not being able to do anything about it. None of my usual tricks for fighting this disease and the pain involved are working.
Rather funny, in a sardonic kind of way. I accept this disease and all it brings to me. Days I crap my pants or can’t move from the pain I usually laugh it off as best I can and make the most of things.
But seeing her suffer through the agony I know she is in, well, that upsets me. Worse, I know there really is not much I can do other than offer support. Medicines, massages, holding her…none of it helps her pain.
And it really rubs my rhubarb.
I know there is not much I can do, but it is still agonizing to see her hurting.
Worse, I do not like the fact that I am so upset about this. I know better. Heck, I teach people how to deal with bad times! Right now I am not heeding my own lessons.
Every once in a while I go back and read some of my older SpongeOsophy essays about coping, etc. Tonight is going to be one of those times.
Be well,
Sponge
Sami said,
May 20, 2007 at 1:08 am
Hi Jamie and Sponge,
I am so sorry to hear that Jamie is in so much pain.
Jamie, I truly can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and I hope the pain passes soon and that you start to get better.
Take care and remember there are lots of people out there that are praying for you.
Sami
LadyHawk said,
May 20, 2007 at 10:09 am
Thank you very much Sami… it is greatly appreciated. Its just something that goes with the chron’s I have a wonderful man to stand beside me and help me through the bad times. That is all I need… and I will be fine. Its just pain… Ive dealt wtih so much worse… pain goes away with time and medication. Its the deep emotional wounds that takes time to heal. But even so… those heal with time and the right person there to help you through.
LadyHawk said,
May 20, 2007 at 10:10 am
Sponge… know that I love you with all I am. That there are go to be good and bad days for the both of us. We just have to work with eachother through them. We will be okay… I can do anything with you by my side…. I love you my Soaring Hawk.